What with my new job and all, I've found it difficult to make time for blogging. Not only that, but my particular school system has made it very clear just how much trouble I can get into by misrepresenting them on this particular blog. Or Facebook. Or pretty much anything you do that might be seen by a student and taken in the wrong context. I've found this to be very true over the past two months. However, it seems so boring to discuss work here. It is what it is. It's a good job that pays decently for work that involves some type of music. All in all, I really can't complain. A lot has happened since I last posted, though. I thought I might update (due to some encouragement from an avid reader).
One week ago, I asked my best friend in the world if she would marry me. She (amazingly enough) said yes. Now, I consider myself to pretty much be the most fortunate guy ever. God has been more gracious than I could ever imagine Him to be. And He will continue to bestow His mercies everyday. It's just amazing to think back to the times in my life when I thought I knew what I wanted, and God told me to be patient. I was not very patient, and, in some instances, found myself more foolish and more hurt by following my own impulses. I had no idea that He had a woman like Debbie in store for me. I suppose I find it hard to trust sometimes. Perhaps I can take a lesson from this. Debbie is a true woman of God, a Proverbs 31 woman, a woman who will build me up, hold me accountable, love me unconditionally, and provide a glimpse into the glory of Christ. It will be my honor and duty to love her like Christ loves the Church. Now, I realize that those are some big shoes to fill, but by the grace of God, I will do my best.
Just wanted to share that tidbit of information on a rainy Saturday. Perhaps if I find myself with some downtime in the future, I'll share a bit more. Right now, we plan on having the wedding late June in Ohio (with possible receptions in Tennessee and North Carolina). We plan on moving back to Tennessee (at least for a little while), and our lives will continue, except we will now share one path. I look forward to it. I sure do miss her (Her being in North Carolina and I in Tennessee). Pray for us. We'd appreciate it.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Making Music and Traveling to Tennessee
I just feel like writing some music. There are times in life when things have settled: we public school kids know this as summer. There is no homework to be done, there are no songs to be memorized, and you can pretty much sleep in everyday knowing that the only thing you've really missed is the sunrise. Very soon one begins to get a better idea of the self through some summertime reflection. What would you do if you had no responsibility and a relatively unlimited amount of time? Life can be puzzlingly difficult when you are not on a schedule. This is a big problem with public schools: I never learned time management. It's difficult for me if someone is not telling me where to be at certain times and what to do when I get there. Well, here I sit, blogging away on a Tuesday afternoon just reading a good book and thinking about what I would/should be doing with this time that I have. I want to write some music.
I was offered an elementary music teaching job (grades 1-8!) in Tennessee just a week or two ago. I accepted that job after some prayer and counsel (some counsel to the contrary). After six years of living in North Carolina making my home here, making connections, networking, and so on, I am moving back into my parent's house. It seems kind of silly, yeah? My parents only had to live one year with an empty nest, and now here I am back again in tiny Seymour, Tennessee. I'll be saving money, certainly, and I am hoping by the end of the next school year to have enough money to buy a house. According to Clark Howard, I've got about another year to enjoy this favorable time in the real estate market (at least for us buyers). I'm actually not very sure of what will be happening in a year, but I suppose I should just take it one step at a time right now. And right now, I want to write some music.
I can hardly imagine a more agonizing job than teaching 1st through 8th graders a combination of mediocre choral and general music. Why would I take the job then? I think it's probably the same reason I really enjoy writing women's choral music: not many people can do it well. And so, maybe, with God's blessing and determination, I can take this job and do it well, do it better than people have in the past. I mean, I'll write my own music for my own children's choir. We always put the responsibility on the conductor for the choir, right? I mean, singers, by and large, are pretty much the same wherever you go. Some places have richer histories than others, but God gave us all the ability to make music, and if you have the right leader, He can make it work. Boy, I really want to write some music.
It's amazing to see how God will work and really how much we have to depend on Him. It's also really amazing to see that while I am utterly and hopelessly dependent, He gives me a little shove and says, "Ready, set, go! Live life! Write music!" And how do you respond to that? Okay, I'll go, I'll live, I'll write some music.
I was offered an elementary music teaching job (grades 1-8!) in Tennessee just a week or two ago. I accepted that job after some prayer and counsel (some counsel to the contrary). After six years of living in North Carolina making my home here, making connections, networking, and so on, I am moving back into my parent's house. It seems kind of silly, yeah? My parents only had to live one year with an empty nest, and now here I am back again in tiny Seymour, Tennessee. I'll be saving money, certainly, and I am hoping by the end of the next school year to have enough money to buy a house. According to Clark Howard, I've got about another year to enjoy this favorable time in the real estate market (at least for us buyers). I'm actually not very sure of what will be happening in a year, but I suppose I should just take it one step at a time right now. And right now, I want to write some music.
I can hardly imagine a more agonizing job than teaching 1st through 8th graders a combination of mediocre choral and general music. Why would I take the job then? I think it's probably the same reason I really enjoy writing women's choral music: not many people can do it well. And so, maybe, with God's blessing and determination, I can take this job and do it well, do it better than people have in the past. I mean, I'll write my own music for my own children's choir. We always put the responsibility on the conductor for the choir, right? I mean, singers, by and large, are pretty much the same wherever you go. Some places have richer histories than others, but God gave us all the ability to make music, and if you have the right leader, He can make it work. Boy, I really want to write some music.
It's amazing to see how God will work and really how much we have to depend on Him. It's also really amazing to see that while I am utterly and hopelessly dependent, He gives me a little shove and says, "Ready, set, go! Live life! Write music!" And how do you respond to that? Okay, I'll go, I'll live, I'll write some music.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
A New Hope
The children that live upstairs are playing Lego StarWars and it's more than possible that I could be living in Tennessee in a few weeks.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Starting from the Ground Up
It actually got cold in my room last night. I was actually cold. The temperature dropped and it seems as if it just won't stop raining, which is kind of nice. We found a leaky pipe in my closet a few days ago (it's been leaking for some time), so my entire apartment has been a pleasant atmosphere of mold as of late. So, it's nice to have an excuse to keep the windows open. The only drawback, it's hard to go for a walk, or a bike ride, or anything else in the rain. So instead, I sit at my computer, in my moldy apartment, and type away.
I recently picked up a book by Anne Lamott, called "Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith." She's a decent writer, I'll admit, but I can't get through the second chapter without her trashing either a)George Bush (not just trash, but spew utter hatred at) or b)the Church. And I'm tired of it. So I put the book down, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. Maybe I should just get some cool square black glasses and start drinking coffee and Guiness and start writing my blog in some west coast coffee shop in a passive-aggressive tolerance that will blow your mind and make you want to be just like me. Maybe not.
It seems to me that you can have an agenda, search the Bible over, and come up with your own ground-breaking explanantion of why God really wrote Scripture in the first place. I don't think that's a good way to read the Bible. I'm guilty of it myself. I don't claim that conservative Republican values line up with Scripture. There's a good bit of Scripture that doesn't support their ideas. The liberal Democrat will have a fun time stringing together passages that make it seem like the greatest commandment is tolerance toward one another in acceptance and without accountability. Because the bottom line is personal freedom, right? I've been reading another book, and I've not finished it just yet, but it's pretty good, so far. A little watered down, sure, but overall pretty solid. "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan is a pretty good alternative to the situation in the American church. The Emergent/emerging church really bashes the church and bashes Christians. Ephesians 4:1-4 tells us to be tolerant of one another in love. I think Paul is talking to the church in Ephesus here. Often when we're talking about "one another" we're talking about the Church. "Love your enemy" certainly applies to non-Christians, but we are told over and over again to love the Church. Instead of blaming and shaming our brothers and sisters, maybe we should just do what Scripture tells us. Chan is not perfect by any means, but I think he's got some ideas that go in the right direction. And it's not really new ideas, either. It's simply starting from the ground up, except that ground is going to be Scripture. It's not coming to Scripture with ideas of trying to bash homosexuals or social justice or free capitalism or socialism or whatever. It's reading the Scripture for what it says, and then going from there. The farther we get away from Scripture, the more our own agendas and opinions are going to get in the way of what's really best for us. We have a vast population of different people, and if we try to approach things from opinions and topics and biases, it might make a fun coffee shop discussion. But to move forward and to grow, I think we are going to need to bring it back to Scripture. It's not enough to get caught up in the culture and to try to discern God speaking through that, because He will speak through situations and people and even culture. It's hard to tell though, sometimes, which voice is God and which voice is not. The Bible helps us to hear, helps us to discern. You'd think God's voice would be the big booming one, glaring at us from every aspect of society. But sometimes, as the Bible, tells us, God comes in a whisper, and it can be so hard to hear. Because God is not shoving us into society (at least, I don't think that's what Jesus was praying for His disciples), He's calling us to Him. It seems to me that He whispers so we have to listen really hard and that we have to draw closer so we can hear Him better. Those are just my thoughts, though. It's back to Scripture I go. And since I've been rambling and nay-saying about people giving their opinions without Scripture, I probably should quote something:
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. " (Eph. 4:1-6, NIV)
I recently picked up a book by Anne Lamott, called "Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith." She's a decent writer, I'll admit, but I can't get through the second chapter without her trashing either a)George Bush (not just trash, but spew utter hatred at) or b)the Church. And I'm tired of it. So I put the book down, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. Maybe I should just get some cool square black glasses and start drinking coffee and Guiness and start writing my blog in some west coast coffee shop in a passive-aggressive tolerance that will blow your mind and make you want to be just like me. Maybe not.
It seems to me that you can have an agenda, search the Bible over, and come up with your own ground-breaking explanantion of why God really wrote Scripture in the first place. I don't think that's a good way to read the Bible. I'm guilty of it myself. I don't claim that conservative Republican values line up with Scripture. There's a good bit of Scripture that doesn't support their ideas. The liberal Democrat will have a fun time stringing together passages that make it seem like the greatest commandment is tolerance toward one another in acceptance and without accountability. Because the bottom line is personal freedom, right? I've been reading another book, and I've not finished it just yet, but it's pretty good, so far. A little watered down, sure, but overall pretty solid. "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan is a pretty good alternative to the situation in the American church. The Emergent/emerging church really bashes the church and bashes Christians. Ephesians 4:1-4 tells us to be tolerant of one another in love. I think Paul is talking to the church in Ephesus here. Often when we're talking about "one another" we're talking about the Church. "Love your enemy" certainly applies to non-Christians, but we are told over and over again to love the Church. Instead of blaming and shaming our brothers and sisters, maybe we should just do what Scripture tells us. Chan is not perfect by any means, but I think he's got some ideas that go in the right direction. And it's not really new ideas, either. It's simply starting from the ground up, except that ground is going to be Scripture. It's not coming to Scripture with ideas of trying to bash homosexuals or social justice or free capitalism or socialism or whatever. It's reading the Scripture for what it says, and then going from there. The farther we get away from Scripture, the more our own agendas and opinions are going to get in the way of what's really best for us. We have a vast population of different people, and if we try to approach things from opinions and topics and biases, it might make a fun coffee shop discussion. But to move forward and to grow, I think we are going to need to bring it back to Scripture. It's not enough to get caught up in the culture and to try to discern God speaking through that, because He will speak through situations and people and even culture. It's hard to tell though, sometimes, which voice is God and which voice is not. The Bible helps us to hear, helps us to discern. You'd think God's voice would be the big booming one, glaring at us from every aspect of society. But sometimes, as the Bible, tells us, God comes in a whisper, and it can be so hard to hear. Because God is not shoving us into society (at least, I don't think that's what Jesus was praying for His disciples), He's calling us to Him. It seems to me that He whispers so we have to listen really hard and that we have to draw closer so we can hear Him better. Those are just my thoughts, though. It's back to Scripture I go. And since I've been rambling and nay-saying about people giving their opinions without Scripture, I probably should quote something:
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. " (Eph. 4:1-6, NIV)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Two Updates
So I've been back in North Carolina for a little while, and I have two updates. Well, three really. 1 Timothy is a pretty tough book to tackle, first of all. I mean, it sets those guidelines for a Godly overseer, bishop, or pastor in chapter 3, which is something for which all men should strive. The second chapter has that controversial bit about women being saved through childbirth, and then I'm on the fourth chapter, which starts off with the part about apostasy. I feel very much like I'm in the later times, fighting off false prophets and those falling away from the faith. The last part of the chapter, though, is what particularly hit me this morning:
"12Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.
"12Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.
13Until I come, give attention to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation and teaching.
14Do not neglect the spiritual gift within you, which was bestowed on you through AH)">prophetic utterance with the laying on of hands by the presbytery.
15Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress will be evident to all.
16Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you."
We used to talk about the twelfth verse quite a bit back when I was in the youth group at my old church. We'd always get pumped up and come screaming into the sanctuary about five minutes before "big church" (the service of corporate worship and preaching, usually following Sunday School), demanding to be heard by our elders, pointing to this very verse. But I am reading this with very different eyes today. I've been thinking about evangelism lately, and what the church's and my individual roles are in the American culture at present. Verse fifteen is particularly striking. Go ahead and read it again. I'm not so sure that I always am careful to "take pains" in Paul's instructions. I am more apt to serve my leftovers to God than to take pains to see that I am progressing in example, so others salvation will be ensured. That's a pretty weighty task overall. I'm still pondering these things, but I have other updates to which we must attend.
Bessie is still in the shop. They've got her completely taken apart, and it seems that the solution to the problem will be a bit cheaper than we originally thought. I still don't know exactly what happened to ol' Bess', but she still won't be ready for awhile. Poor Bessie, she just can't catch a break. Hopefully by the time mid-June rolls around, I'll be able to drive her back to her home here in North Carolina. She's just been aching to lie out beneath those Carolina blue skies.
Then came the third update. I visited the Woodhams. Yes, tis true, and I bring good news: I am still alive, and I had a good time. Shocking to some, perhaps, but much expected by those who know these Ohioans to be gracious hosts. We certainly had some adventures. As is necessary for most of my adventures, we got lost at one point. Now, don't let anyone tell you otherwise--we wandered off the trail, were separated from the rest of our party, and could not tell you exactly where we were in the metro park. My friends, if that is not the definition of lost, well, then I would question your language skills.
The evenings were always filled with the comforts and nutrition of home-cooked meals as we ate together around the table (which, by the way, is not entirely foreign to me; I have experienced this phenomenal gathering of humans, myself included, at our annual festivals celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas). I wasn't exactly sure what to do; we weren't going around the table talking turkey or opening presents, so I just kind of winged it. I think I did okay overall. Nobody stared at me (at least, for more than 30 seconds or so), so I assume that I didn't go too much against tradition.
I've always wondered what it would be like to have sisters. I don't really wonder what it would be like anymore.
I've also wondered what it would be like to have another brother, and what it would be like to take these familial friends to kick back a couple of pops (cokes) while blistering our tongues with hot wings (traditional or boneless, your choice), followed by renting violent, er, rather, action-packed! movies that still contained the security device which we, being men (of course), had to destroy with our hands and weapons in an all-out, car magazine-reading, smooth jazz-listening hour of masculinity. I no longer wonder what this would be like, too.
All in all, what a wonderful time I had. In fact, I really can't wait to go back. First, however, I have to make a trip to Dollywood with a friend. :-) Then we can go back. That's a lot of information, and I am tired of typing. Happy Memorial Day!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Like little pigs running around in the forest...
I flew to Ohio. I am there (here) now. I am spending time with the Woodhams, and we are having adventures at every opportunity. I am leaving Thursday. At that point, I will actually be able to sit down and blog. Right now I have to make a salad with my helper, Diana. Actually, I think I'm her helper. Either way, I have to go!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Down, but not Out
Well, Bessie is in Tennessee now enjoying the fresh mountain air and taking a much-needed respite from the daily grind here in Greensboro. I hope, when they're not working on her, that they'll let her play with the other cars in the shop. My parents came in for a visit this weekend, and they left this morning in a rented car, leaving the Volvo behind for me. It's nice, but certainly no Bessie. My parents will have to share a car until I come in next weekend for a wedding. Hopefully, Bessie will be up and running by then. I'd like to take her to Ohio, but we'll have to play it by ear to see if she's ready for that kind of travel. You may be asking, why would you want to take Bessie to Ohio? Well, if you're not a Facebook stalker like myself, then I'll speak to the matter.
I have been pursuing (as in a romantic way, not like chasing her around the building, although there has been some of that, too) a young lady at UNCG for the past couple of months. I'm not sure if you ever really catch the girl, but we have come to a mutual conclusion that we're going to pursue God (and the lesser mysteries of life) together. That's probably all I'll say about that, not because I have no more to say, but because I'd rather you see the joy and sincerity on my face as I talk about Debbie. Blogs just don't do it.
In other news, I'm currently looking for jobs. I had an interview this past week, and hopefully I'll receive a call soon so I can go through the next part of the hiring process. I've applied to be a voice teacher at the Music Academy of NC. I'm also looking into some private schools around the area. I know of at least one that is definitely hiring and one that might be. We will see. I'm also looking forward to reading! I am going to read this afternoon! Isn't that so exciting! I'm going to finish up "Jo's Boys" today and then hopefully start either 1)Emma (Austen) 2)The Two Towers (Tolkien) or 3)Anne of Green Gables (Montgomery). I'll probably also read the Twilight series at some point, but only because Debbie liked it. Probably not for any other reason than that. Yeah.
Off now to read and eat lunch! "The horse is prepared for the day of battle, But victory belongs to the Lord." (Proverbs 21:31) Random? Yes, but I like it.
I have been pursuing (as in a romantic way, not like chasing her around the building, although there has been some of that, too) a young lady at UNCG for the past couple of months. I'm not sure if you ever really catch the girl, but we have come to a mutual conclusion that we're going to pursue God (and the lesser mysteries of life) together. That's probably all I'll say about that, not because I have no more to say, but because I'd rather you see the joy and sincerity on my face as I talk about Debbie. Blogs just don't do it.
In other news, I'm currently looking for jobs. I had an interview this past week, and hopefully I'll receive a call soon so I can go through the next part of the hiring process. I've applied to be a voice teacher at the Music Academy of NC. I'm also looking into some private schools around the area. I know of at least one that is definitely hiring and one that might be. We will see. I'm also looking forward to reading! I am going to read this afternoon! Isn't that so exciting! I'm going to finish up "Jo's Boys" today and then hopefully start either 1)Emma (Austen) 2)The Two Towers (Tolkien) or 3)Anne of Green Gables (Montgomery). I'll probably also read the Twilight series at some point, but only because Debbie liked it. Probably not for any other reason than that. Yeah.
Off now to read and eat lunch! "The horse is prepared for the day of battle, But victory belongs to the Lord." (Proverbs 21:31) Random? Yes, but I like it.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Bessie, my love
It's not a done deal, but it looks like we are coming upon the end of an era. The times we shared, my love and I, are cherished memories I shan't quickly forget. Bessie, my truck, my very first car that I've had since I was 16 years old, could no longer sustain life yesterday. Bessie, my Bessie, had her radiator explode about 2 miles from home (little to my knowledge, I thought we had just gone through a dusty patch in the road). However, Bessie loved me truly and gave her all to see me safely two more miles and up one grueling hill coasting into the front of my neighborhood. She died on the last turn as the steering locked up and she breathed her last on Terrault Street.
How sad, how forlorn was I! I walked with tears falling like a spring shower from my eyes back to my house. I called Robert (my good friend and fellow choral conductor) to see if he could help me out. I was in luck (and Robert is a very generous friend), and he came to pick me up. We both wept over the truck and went to the nearest AAA Car Care Center to see what could be done. After an exciting ride in a tow truck (it was the highlight of my day), we finally got back to the certified AAA Car Care Center where I waited as the mechanics went to work on ol' Bess. "The engine blew," the wearied mechanic told me. "At the very least, it's going to cost you $3500 to get another used engine in there." After some consultation with my father, it was clear that it was too much money just to put another engine in the car. Bessie is probably worth less than $5000 (but oh so much more in my heart). So.....we're looking into "other" options. Buying a new (used) car is on the table at this point. And it probably won't be another truck, *sigh*. For those of you who have never owned a truck, you do not understand. You may think I'm a silly goose, but that's okay, because you know not the joys and conveniences of owning a truck. I could haul anything anywhere at anytime. Friends rushed to my side--"I need someone to pick up my mattress," "I need mulch!" "Bring the choral risers around back." Yes, 'twas the life. But now, no more. I could haul much stuff, but I also had no room in the cab. I never had to drive anyone anywhere else, because I could only comfortably fit one other person. Now, (if I get a car, which I probably will; it'll probably be all four door and stuff) I must be the one to be the carpool go-to guy. Not that I don't everyone so far who is taking me around, it's just--sometimes it's fun to not pay for gas.
I'll update the situation once more things happen, but until then....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
So close, and yet, so very far away...
I passed my comprehensive exams. My committee rated the exam as "Satisfactory." It would have been nice to have passed with distinction, but let's just be honest right now--comps were not a priority. School is honestly not too big of a priority right now. I am finishing the work and putting the time in, but it is so very difficult to work on school projects as if I were working for the Lord. It's a struggle, I know. I've got an interview next week for a part-time vocal position at the Music Academy of NC, and I am excited to see what that will do and if any other opportunities will open up. At this point, I'm staying in Greensboro, probably scooting around teaching voice and maybe some choral gigs if I get the opportunity. I have to hit these private schools pretty soon. Yeah....after I finish my paper, perhaps.
I'm very excited, however, to see God at work in my life. I can get down easily, especially about the current job market and exactly how I'm going to make it in this life as a choral conductor with about as much experience as a peanut. God is good, though, and He will provide--of this I am certain. I'm trying to view these gloomy and ominous storm clouds ahead as an opportunity for God to burst forth in a radiant sunshine that will be all the more glorious. Psalm 105 says: "Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually. Remember His wonders which He has done, His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth..." (4-5, NASB). I need to remember this, that while I'm struggling to seek God continually, God is passionately pursuing and alluring me (as a good friend recently reminded me).
My friend Amanda Mae got engaged (apparently--that's what Facebook tells me, at least) this week. I'm excited to see some of my friends growing and progressing into the next stages of their lives. She'll have her wedding on the beach (just like she always wanted) and I'm already seeing if I can be a part of the music in her wedding. It's very encouraging to me that after all of this burnout with music that I still have a calling to share and communicate with my friends the best way that I know how: through music. I hope it can be a blessing to her as well.
I'll also be singing at a wedding in May, and it will be good to go back to TN, at least for a little while. Mom wants me to come sing at church that weekend, too. Does anybody else have this dilemma? You want to go visit your parents/friends/acquaintances from back home, and suddenly you're put on a tour schedule spanning the entire town (all 12 blocks of it). I guess as a musician this is something I'll have to get used to. It's a good thing, too, though. At least people (most people) appreciate what I do and want to hear more of it. That's a good thing, right?
Alright, I am about to go to Glee Club and do that thing. Fifty minutes of singing "America the Beautiful." Yeah. Two concerts this weekend, one in Winston-Salem. One I'm conducting. Woo! It's going to be okay--God is sovereign.
I'm very excited, however, to see God at work in my life. I can get down easily, especially about the current job market and exactly how I'm going to make it in this life as a choral conductor with about as much experience as a peanut. God is good, though, and He will provide--of this I am certain. I'm trying to view these gloomy and ominous storm clouds ahead as an opportunity for God to burst forth in a radiant sunshine that will be all the more glorious. Psalm 105 says: "Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually. Remember His wonders which He has done, His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth..." (4-5, NASB). I need to remember this, that while I'm struggling to seek God continually, God is passionately pursuing and alluring me (as a good friend recently reminded me).
My friend Amanda Mae got engaged (apparently--that's what Facebook tells me, at least) this week. I'm excited to see some of my friends growing and progressing into the next stages of their lives. She'll have her wedding on the beach (just like she always wanted) and I'm already seeing if I can be a part of the music in her wedding. It's very encouraging to me that after all of this burnout with music that I still have a calling to share and communicate with my friends the best way that I know how: through music. I hope it can be a blessing to her as well.
I'll also be singing at a wedding in May, and it will be good to go back to TN, at least for a little while. Mom wants me to come sing at church that weekend, too. Does anybody else have this dilemma? You want to go visit your parents/friends/acquaintances from back home, and suddenly you're put on a tour schedule spanning the entire town (all 12 blocks of it). I guess as a musician this is something I'll have to get used to. It's a good thing, too, though. At least people (most people) appreciate what I do and want to hear more of it. That's a good thing, right?
Alright, I am about to go to Glee Club and do that thing. Fifty minutes of singing "America the Beautiful." Yeah. Two concerts this weekend, one in Winston-Salem. One I'm conducting. Woo! It's going to be okay--God is sovereign.
Monday, April 13, 2009
And now...an original haiku
rain and the basement
waiting for her who comes forth
Music Library
(A reflection from a sleep-deprived music major...that is all)
waiting for her who comes forth
Music Library
(A reflection from a sleep-deprived music major...that is all)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Comps Are Over! (And I'm Still Burned Out)
I finished up my comprehensive exams on Monday. It took me 7 hours to write 19 pages of text and 5 pages of analysis. No lunch break, I just brought a bunch of bananas and crackers and it got me through. It was about as close to torture as one can get. They stick you down in an "Isolation Booth" in the basement of the School of Music. There is only one fluorescent light in that tiny room, and it makes you want to rake your eyes out in a very Oedipus Rex fashion. Nonetheless, I made it eyes intact, although probably severly damaged for staring at a glaring computer for so long. Dr. Young is supposed to read through my exam today, and hopefully I'll know pretty soon how I did and if it is sufficient. I felt okay about it, there were a few things I could have done better. Ohime!
I am so ready to be done with school. I am frustrated with it and I'm tired of stupid (but probably useful) conducting exercises, I'm tired of voice lessons, I'm tired of rehearsal after rehearsal after rehearsal for music about which nobody cares. I'm burned out on making art. I want to be in a place where music is used for more than just art. I made that abundantly clear in my comps, too. I hope they don't rip me apart for my over-zealously Christian answers. Oh well, perhaps if suffering should come I can draw closer to Christ.
Times like these help me to focus on Philippians 4:1: "Therefore, my beloved brethren whom I long to see, my joy and crown, in this way stand firm in the Lord, my beloved." The Amplified Bible says "my delight and crown (wreath of victory)." It reminds me that I'm not alone, and that I do have friends, a community of believers, the Church that I can put on as a wreath of victory. Sometimes I get trapped inside myself and I can't see beyond it. I become very selfish and not only do I not see other people's problems, but I don't see the solutions to my own standing right in front of me, in the form of my church family (all 2 billion of them...give or take a couple million). I'm silly sometimes.
Easter is coming up this week, and it will be nice to have Good Friday off from school. I can't wait for school to be over. Blessed be that, day, e'er so literally.
I am so ready to be done with school. I am frustrated with it and I'm tired of stupid (but probably useful) conducting exercises, I'm tired of voice lessons, I'm tired of rehearsal after rehearsal after rehearsal for music about which nobody cares. I'm burned out on making art. I want to be in a place where music is used for more than just art. I made that abundantly clear in my comps, too. I hope they don't rip me apart for my over-zealously Christian answers. Oh well, perhaps if suffering should come I can draw closer to Christ.
Times like these help me to focus on Philippians 4:1: "Therefore, my beloved brethren whom I long to see, my joy and crown, in this way stand firm in the Lord, my beloved." The Amplified Bible says "my delight and crown (wreath of victory)." It reminds me that I'm not alone, and that I do have friends, a community of believers, the Church that I can put on as a wreath of victory. Sometimes I get trapped inside myself and I can't see beyond it. I become very selfish and not only do I not see other people's problems, but I don't see the solutions to my own standing right in front of me, in the form of my church family (all 2 billion of them...give or take a couple million). I'm silly sometimes.
Easter is coming up this week, and it will be nice to have Good Friday off from school. I can't wait for school to be over. Blessed be that, day, e'er so literally.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
"Efficially" Down and Out
I was typing on Facebook this morning, and I wrote "efficially," trying to spell "officially." Yeah, for me, that's pretty bad. Story time!
When I was in 8th grade, I was a pretty weird kid. Okay, so, I'm still a pretty weird kid. Anyway...one thing that I did excel at in those wonderful years was school. I really didn't have to try very hard to make a good grade. One of the weirdest classes I had was my English class with Mrs. Householder. Her husband, of course, was the infamous Coach Householder, the high school football coach. He's about as "good ol' Southern boy" as you can get, and so it was pretty funny when Mrs. Householder told us that she was a feminist. Looking back, Mrs. Householder was really not a feminist at all, in my humble opinion. She just wanted all of the women in certain parts of the Middle East to be able to wear a t-shirt and jeans if they wanted, instead of those fully covering robes. We watched and read "Not Without My Daughter" starring the fabulous Sally Field. At the time, though, everybody, myself included, was on board with Mrs. Householder's "feminism" and wanted to liberate the masses. I felt kind of bad for being born male. Alas, we shan't dive further into this, as it is not the point of my story. Mrs. Householder was the teacher in charge of the 8th grade spelling bee. They had this really weird system in my middle school where there apparently were too many kids, so we had to be split up into Blue and Gold teams so each member of each respective team would only have classes with members of only his or her team. I was on the Blue team, which was nice, because most of my good friends were Blue. Most of the girls and popular guys, though, were on Gold, and so sometimes we felt a little inferior, being Blue and all. (Blue and Gold were our school colors by the way.) So, as the spelling bee preparation began, we had to be chosen from our English classes to participate. I, oh so naturally, was chosen by Mrs. Householder as I held high her torch of feminism. It was pretty funny actually, I memorized all the words up to "P" on the one (1) sheet of paper they had given us and easily won the Blue Team spelling bee before we reached "D." I am not even sure we got to "F" before probably the smartest kid in our grade lost on an easy word. I can't recall what the word was, but I do remember him coming back with a dictionary and claiming that Mrs. Householder had incorrectly pronounced the word and demanded to be let back in the running. Yeah, that one didn't fly. Oh well, Jacob. At least he moved past it...eventually.
So the Gold team was all popular guys and girls who spent more time on their makeup and newly found interest in the opposite sex than spelling, and it was no contest. Yeah, personal appearance, what's the big deal? Spelling is where it's at! But really, yeah, I won the school spelling bee with one other girl. We were chosen to represent Seymour Middle School in the county-wide spelling bee just a few weeks later. This time we got a real spelling list, which was kind of cool at the time. It was a real book, and it just had all these words in it. Like a really, really cool dictionary, only it wasn't in alphabetical order, more like easy words to hard words. I think I started to freak out when I saw words like "diplegia" and "bivouac" but I did my best to study, or rather, store away in my short term memory.
Finally the big night came. I was sharply dressed and brought a sharp wit to match it. I casually made my way up to the microphone for the first word. I looked around at my competitors (most of whom wore glasses) and thought, "I am so much cooler than every single one of you." Yeah, I was a jerk in 8th grade. Okay, so I still have jerkish tendencies from time to time now, but you have to admit, I've improved. Yeah, so I stepped up to the microphone and received my first word: airplane. A scoff forced its way out of my mouth as I stepped back and glanced to the ground with a smirk of over-confidence and spelled that word down like I flew airplanes for a living. A round of applause erupted from the crowd as I sauntered back to my seat. I was good, real good. My second round came. The word? Carrot. Again, a slight smile crossed my lips until he read the definition. Not a vegetable? Oh, you mean like a diamond? The little "kt" abbreviation? Oh...well...oh. C-A-R-.....ok. C-A-R-......O-T. EPIC FAIL. No, Logan, the word is spelled carat, C-A-R-A-T. In shame and humiliation I weeped openly as I sheepishly dragged myself off the stage into the audience of parents and losers. A torrent of tears flowed down my face as I approached my parents, their heads hung in disappointment and defeat.
Actually, not really. I walked off stage, kind of bummed, but whatever. I didn't really want to progress to the state spelling bee all that bad anyway. Standing in front of all those people performing, who would ever want to do that? Now if I could just figure out why I went into music...
All that to say that I, for the most part and except for stupid words like "carat," I am a pretty good speller. So, when I spell "officially" "efficially" I'm pretty down and out. The rain doesn't help. You know what does? Knowing that comps will be over by this time next week! Yay! In other news...
I believe that the Bible is the infallible, inspired Word of God. I think if you have the resources, you should study it in-depth, going back to the Hebrew and Greek and looking at (although being very discerning with) other documents from the time period. I don't think that that kind of study is necessary for the Holy Spirit to bring life to the words. I think sometimes in an effort not to "trust ourselves" we want guidance and maybe affirmation from those that have a different take on what the Bible says to make things fit just a little easier into our culture today. Trust God and trust the Bible. American (or European or African or Canadian) culture is not even close to defining an objective truth. Know what is? Yep. The Bible. It's not outdated; in fact, it stood the test of time for the past, oh, 3500 years or so. So, yeah. Just needed to get that off my chest. God is good.
When I was in 8th grade, I was a pretty weird kid. Okay, so, I'm still a pretty weird kid. Anyway...one thing that I did excel at in those wonderful years was school. I really didn't have to try very hard to make a good grade. One of the weirdest classes I had was my English class with Mrs. Householder. Her husband, of course, was the infamous Coach Householder, the high school football coach. He's about as "good ol' Southern boy" as you can get, and so it was pretty funny when Mrs. Householder told us that she was a feminist. Looking back, Mrs. Householder was really not a feminist at all, in my humble opinion. She just wanted all of the women in certain parts of the Middle East to be able to wear a t-shirt and jeans if they wanted, instead of those fully covering robes. We watched and read "Not Without My Daughter" starring the fabulous Sally Field. At the time, though, everybody, myself included, was on board with Mrs. Householder's "feminism" and wanted to liberate the masses. I felt kind of bad for being born male. Alas, we shan't dive further into this, as it is not the point of my story. Mrs. Householder was the teacher in charge of the 8th grade spelling bee. They had this really weird system in my middle school where there apparently were too many kids, so we had to be split up into Blue and Gold teams so each member of each respective team would only have classes with members of only his or her team. I was on the Blue team, which was nice, because most of my good friends were Blue. Most of the girls and popular guys, though, were on Gold, and so sometimes we felt a little inferior, being Blue and all. (Blue and Gold were our school colors by the way.) So, as the spelling bee preparation began, we had to be chosen from our English classes to participate. I, oh so naturally, was chosen by Mrs. Householder as I held high her torch of feminism. It was pretty funny actually, I memorized all the words up to "P" on the one (1) sheet of paper they had given us and easily won the Blue Team spelling bee before we reached "D." I am not even sure we got to "F" before probably the smartest kid in our grade lost on an easy word. I can't recall what the word was, but I do remember him coming back with a dictionary and claiming that Mrs. Householder had incorrectly pronounced the word and demanded to be let back in the running. Yeah, that one didn't fly. Oh well, Jacob. At least he moved past it...eventually.
So the Gold team was all popular guys and girls who spent more time on their makeup and newly found interest in the opposite sex than spelling, and it was no contest. Yeah, personal appearance, what's the big deal? Spelling is where it's at! But really, yeah, I won the school spelling bee with one other girl. We were chosen to represent Seymour Middle School in the county-wide spelling bee just a few weeks later. This time we got a real spelling list, which was kind of cool at the time. It was a real book, and it just had all these words in it. Like a really, really cool dictionary, only it wasn't in alphabetical order, more like easy words to hard words. I think I started to freak out when I saw words like "diplegia" and "bivouac" but I did my best to study, or rather, store away in my short term memory.
Finally the big night came. I was sharply dressed and brought a sharp wit to match it. I casually made my way up to the microphone for the first word. I looked around at my competitors (most of whom wore glasses) and thought, "I am so much cooler than every single one of you." Yeah, I was a jerk in 8th grade. Okay, so I still have jerkish tendencies from time to time now, but you have to admit, I've improved. Yeah, so I stepped up to the microphone and received my first word: airplane. A scoff forced its way out of my mouth as I stepped back and glanced to the ground with a smirk of over-confidence and spelled that word down like I flew airplanes for a living. A round of applause erupted from the crowd as I sauntered back to my seat. I was good, real good. My second round came. The word? Carrot. Again, a slight smile crossed my lips until he read the definition. Not a vegetable? Oh, you mean like a diamond? The little "kt" abbreviation? Oh...well...oh. C-A-R-.....ok. C-A-R-......O-T. EPIC FAIL. No, Logan, the word is spelled carat, C-A-R-A-T. In shame and humiliation I weeped openly as I sheepishly dragged myself off the stage into the audience of parents and losers. A torrent of tears flowed down my face as I approached my parents, their heads hung in disappointment and defeat.
Actually, not really. I walked off stage, kind of bummed, but whatever. I didn't really want to progress to the state spelling bee all that bad anyway. Standing in front of all those people performing, who would ever want to do that? Now if I could just figure out why I went into music...
All that to say that I, for the most part and except for stupid words like "carat," I am a pretty good speller. So, when I spell "officially" "efficially" I'm pretty down and out. The rain doesn't help. You know what does? Knowing that comps will be over by this time next week! Yay! In other news...
I believe that the Bible is the infallible, inspired Word of God. I think if you have the resources, you should study it in-depth, going back to the Hebrew and Greek and looking at (although being very discerning with) other documents from the time period. I don't think that that kind of study is necessary for the Holy Spirit to bring life to the words. I think sometimes in an effort not to "trust ourselves" we want guidance and maybe affirmation from those that have a different take on what the Bible says to make things fit just a little easier into our culture today. Trust God and trust the Bible. American (or European or African or Canadian) culture is not even close to defining an objective truth. Know what is? Yep. The Bible. It's not outdated; in fact, it stood the test of time for the past, oh, 3500 years or so. So, yeah. Just needed to get that off my chest. God is good.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Fighting through Fear and Philosophy
Well, unless God wills otherwise, it doesn't look like I'm headed to seminary for the Fall. I was pretty excited after visiting--what a loving and uplifting environment. I'm sure some would disagree, but it was nice to be able to (at least partially) let my guard down and be very open with people about how God was working in my life through academia and through music. UNCG frowns upon that kind of sharing. And, who knows? I'm still going to finish my application and send it in (I'm just waiting on a pastor's reference) and may pursue seminary in the Spring or even next year. So, if not seminary, then what, Lord? That's what I've been asking as of late. I know that I need to start saving up some money and it would be nice to have a real job, even if it has no benefits. Right now is really not a good time to be looking for a job, and I would really not prefer to work at Macaroni Grill for the next however long. I could make money, which would be nice, but I wouldn't really be using my God-given talents in music. Singing "Happy Birthday" in Italian is not really making a wise investment of such talents.
My philosophy class here at UNCG has also got me thinking. I've been told that I need to seek what the value of music is outside of the context of worship. There are some works that are very explicitly secular, and so what is their value as music? Obviously it's not worship, at least not for everyone. The only problem that I have is that you can't get outside of God. Music can be outside of worship, I'll definitely buy that, but the only place you can escape God is Hell. Psalm 139 certainly attests to that. I've also started reading Colossians (which is another book of which I've forgotten the incredible writing!). Paul says, "For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (1:16-17) I'm working through this idea of the value of music and how really everything that we as humans try to create or imitate is just a distortion of one of the attributes of God. So, even something as secular as, say, Orff's "Carmina Burana" is just a distortion of God's mysteries of love and abundance. So, I'm just not sure how to get at that in my paper. We will see in the coming weeks.
I would appreciate prayer as I begin searching for a job that would be in music. The school systems are not all that great at this point, and music teachers are perhaps not the most sought-after educators anyway. I should have gone into math. Math teachers are always needed. Oh, sarcasm, how you plague my personality. A happy weekend is upon us. Comp study and weddings represent the stresses and joys with which life is filled. Please grant me patience.
My philosophy class here at UNCG has also got me thinking. I've been told that I need to seek what the value of music is outside of the context of worship. There are some works that are very explicitly secular, and so what is their value as music? Obviously it's not worship, at least not for everyone. The only problem that I have is that you can't get outside of God. Music can be outside of worship, I'll definitely buy that, but the only place you can escape God is Hell. Psalm 139 certainly attests to that. I've also started reading Colossians (which is another book of which I've forgotten the incredible writing!). Paul says, "For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (1:16-17) I'm working through this idea of the value of music and how really everything that we as humans try to create or imitate is just a distortion of one of the attributes of God. So, even something as secular as, say, Orff's "Carmina Burana" is just a distortion of God's mysteries of love and abundance. So, I'm just not sure how to get at that in my paper. We will see in the coming weeks.
I would appreciate prayer as I begin searching for a job that would be in music. The school systems are not all that great at this point, and music teachers are perhaps not the most sought-after educators anyway. I should have gone into math. Math teachers are always needed. Oh, sarcasm, how you plague my personality. A happy weekend is upon us. Comp study and weddings represent the stresses and joys with which life is filled. Please grant me patience.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Patience and Slavery (or How I'd Forgotten the Amazingness of Romans 8!)
I cannot fathom the grace of God. I am quite quick to immediately slap labels on God as to how and in what capacities He can work. I am almost scared after opening my Bible this morning--the Scripture was just teeming with a life and vitality that was jumping off the page. By the way, I got up at 5:45 this morning. It was painful, I admit, but oh so very much worth it :-). Back to the Bible, though. Paul is so great to remind us of the power of Christ. Lately I've been struggling with various sins, as we all tend to do, and lately I've been felt worn down by sin. Usually I feel worn down by school, relationships, various responsibilities, etc., but not always so much by actual legitimate temptation. Now I just feel like someone is taking a metal spoon and just scraping away at my resolve and my convictions. Paul just reminded me, "10If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you." (NASB)
And it's okay to suffer. It allows me to identify with Christ in His suffering. Paul tells us we are "children of God." Because we suffer with Him, we are also glorified with Him. The whole part about creation groaning and suffering birth pangs is visible in our world today and we are witnesses to the world in decay as it cries for justice. But again, we are reminded that even with death and suffering and the many, many horrors that occur even in our sheltered lives as we watch the people we know and/or love fall and be torn apart seeking after anything but God, He "causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." What a powerful reminder.
My brother is coming to visit me tomorrow, and I am so grateful and so very excited to see him again. My comps were indefinitely postponed, so I even get to spend a good several days with Kameron hanging out and doing various other things (hopefully things that don't cost money). Yes, it will be a fun weekend. So, I have a paper due and a presentation on the 'morrow, and thus, I am off with one more thought:
And it's okay to suffer. It allows me to identify with Christ in His suffering. Paul tells us we are "children of God." Because we suffer with Him, we are also glorified with Him. The whole part about creation groaning and suffering birth pangs is visible in our world today and we are witnesses to the world in decay as it cries for justice. But again, we are reminded that even with death and suffering and the many, many horrors that occur even in our sheltered lives as we watch the people we know and/or love fall and be torn apart seeking after anything but God, He "causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." What a powerful reminder.
My brother is coming to visit me tomorrow, and I am so grateful and so very excited to see him again. My comps were indefinitely postponed, so I even get to spend a good several days with Kameron hanging out and doing various other things (hopefully things that don't cost money). Yes, it will be a fun weekend. So, I have a paper due and a presentation on the 'morrow, and thus, I am off with one more thought:
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Saturday, March 14, 2009
A Change in Plans
So, I might not be able to graduate on time. I almost had quite the panic attack on Friday morning, and it's the closest I've come in awhile to actually calling someone up for support. Yeah, I just tend not to do that kind of thing. So, I tried to spend this entire spring break studying for said comps (comprehensive exams, btw), and I found no desire whatsoever. I made an effort, but the effort failed. I burned out. I didn't think it would happen to me, to tell you the truth. I am tired of school. I am tired of having to draw up these (forgive me!) stupid conductor's analyses for these pieces where it makes perfect sense in my mind just to look at the score. Don't get me wrong, I think it is very important to sit down with a piece of music and make sure you know what's going on and have an authority and command that you can express to the other musicians. I'm just tired of school.
I want to have a job where I am teaching or performing music with kids or adults or something where I don't have to know off the top of my head why Handel decided to set his fugal pattern one measure off between the voice parts. I just want to watch and listen to the rain today, but I'll be working on a presentation for my philosophy class about Theodor Adorno. I refuse to talk anymore about this man. I'm just so tired of school.
So yeah, I meet with my professors on Monday and I am thinking that I will take my comps over the summer sometime and graduate in August. This way, I won't have to walk. I would like to do it for my parents, but do you realize how much graduation robes cost? It's ridiculous! Perhaps God has ordained this delay for a reason, too. I don't know, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. I've asked for patience, and God is just throwing me opportunities right and left.
In other news, my brother is coming up next week to visit me for his spring break. I'm so happy to be able to spend time with him here, although I'm nervous about his driving over the mountains to get to Greensboro. Pray for safe travel. I'm reading through Romans now, and it's heavy stuff. When I have more time for blogging, I'll speak some of my mind on Scripture. Off to work.
I want to have a job where I am teaching or performing music with kids or adults or something where I don't have to know off the top of my head why Handel decided to set his fugal pattern one measure off between the voice parts. I just want to watch and listen to the rain today, but I'll be working on a presentation for my philosophy class about Theodor Adorno. I refuse to talk anymore about this man. I'm just so tired of school.
So yeah, I meet with my professors on Monday and I am thinking that I will take my comps over the summer sometime and graduate in August. This way, I won't have to walk. I would like to do it for my parents, but do you realize how much graduation robes cost? It's ridiculous! Perhaps God has ordained this delay for a reason, too. I don't know, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. I've asked for patience, and God is just throwing me opportunities right and left.
In other news, my brother is coming up next week to visit me for his spring break. I'm so happy to be able to spend time with him here, although I'm nervous about his driving over the mountains to get to Greensboro. Pray for safe travel. I'm reading through Romans now, and it's heavy stuff. When I have more time for blogging, I'll speak some of my mind on Scripture. Off to work.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Psalm 66 (NIV)
1 Shout with joy to God, all the earth!
2 Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious!
3 Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you.
4 All the earth bows down to you;
they sing praise to you,
they sing praise to your name."
Selah
5 Come and see what God has done,
how awesome his works in man's behalf!
6 He turned the sea into dry land,
they passed through the waters on foot—
come, let us rejoice in him.
7 He rules forever by his power,
his eyes watch the nations—
let not the rebellious rise up against him.
Selah
8 Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
9 he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
10 For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
13 I will come to your temple with burnt offerings
and fulfill my vows to you-
14 vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke
when I was in trouble.
15 I will sacrifice fat animals to you
and an offering of rams;
I will offer bulls and goats.
Selah
16 Come and listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
17 I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.
18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
19 but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.
20 Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!
Monday, March 9, 2009
When Common Sense Might Say Otherwise
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:7-14, NIV)
Common sense is something for which I have had to work very thoroughly to obtain. I was not born with it, nor was I able to grasp it at a young age. My friends and elders used to tell me when I was growing up that one is made up of a balance of being smart and having common sense. You'll meet some fantastic people who are not incredibly book smart but have an incredible amount of common sense that allow them to function quite normally in society. On the other hand, you have those people that are almost geniuses: they invent wonders no eye has beheld, create theories, write vastly unintelligble books, study music, etc., but these folk have trouble getting dressed in the morning. Luckily (actually, more by God's grace), I am able to dress myself every day. I am certainly no genius, but I tend to be able to retain information with little studying time and am usually a quick learner (provided they be complex tasks, not something like contra dancing, which seems to me to fall to the common sensical just move your body to the music and don't think about it...alas!...). I plan to bring this point around, I promise.
However, over the past several years at college I have worked to make up for this lack of common sense. I feel that I've done a decent job--I have lost some of my book smarts, so this leads me to the conclusion that I have more common sense now. Makes sense, right? Recently, I've been dealing with God in an interesting circumstance (I say recently, but I guess I mean for the past several years or so). God has been speaking in my life (which is quite awesome, I must say) and I've just now began to really listen. I am amazed at the miracles that I behold every day that God allows me life. I took my 4-year old neighbor to preschool this morning, and it amazes me, the raw humanity that he can express. Watching him run through the entire gamut of human emotion in 10 minutes reminds me of my more refined, sophisticated way of dealing with God. In the course of the past couple of weeks or so I've gone from super high to near rock bottom and God is still there, watching and providing and probably wondering why I don't just give it all over to Him. I've worked to obtain common sense, which tells me to worry and be concerned. It tells me the limits of my humanity and fights for self-preservation. And now God is calling me to let go, and if necessary, fight this common sense which leads me away from Him. Because to follow common sense and my human instincts, in this instance, would be to sin against my conscience and rip myself from the embrace of my Creator. And I won't do it.
I will die to myself this and God willing, every day. I shan't forsake this heavenward calling about which Paul is so intimately passionate. No, in fact, I shall press on toward the goal. And as much as common sense might say otherwise, I believe and yes, I do know, that Christ is much larger, much more omniscient, omnipotent, and sovereign than my own doubts and fears. Praise God, I am not my own.
Common sense is something for which I have had to work very thoroughly to obtain. I was not born with it, nor was I able to grasp it at a young age. My friends and elders used to tell me when I was growing up that one is made up of a balance of being smart and having common sense. You'll meet some fantastic people who are not incredibly book smart but have an incredible amount of common sense that allow them to function quite normally in society. On the other hand, you have those people that are almost geniuses: they invent wonders no eye has beheld, create theories, write vastly unintelligble books, study music, etc., but these folk have trouble getting dressed in the morning. Luckily (actually, more by God's grace), I am able to dress myself every day. I am certainly no genius, but I tend to be able to retain information with little studying time and am usually a quick learner (provided they be complex tasks, not something like contra dancing, which seems to me to fall to the common sensical just move your body to the music and don't think about it...alas!...). I plan to bring this point around, I promise.
However, over the past several years at college I have worked to make up for this lack of common sense. I feel that I've done a decent job--I have lost some of my book smarts, so this leads me to the conclusion that I have more common sense now. Makes sense, right? Recently, I've been dealing with God in an interesting circumstance (I say recently, but I guess I mean for the past several years or so). God has been speaking in my life (which is quite awesome, I must say) and I've just now began to really listen. I am amazed at the miracles that I behold every day that God allows me life. I took my 4-year old neighbor to preschool this morning, and it amazes me, the raw humanity that he can express. Watching him run through the entire gamut of human emotion in 10 minutes reminds me of my more refined, sophisticated way of dealing with God. In the course of the past couple of weeks or so I've gone from super high to near rock bottom and God is still there, watching and providing and probably wondering why I don't just give it all over to Him. I've worked to obtain common sense, which tells me to worry and be concerned. It tells me the limits of my humanity and fights for self-preservation. And now God is calling me to let go, and if necessary, fight this common sense which leads me away from Him. Because to follow common sense and my human instincts, in this instance, would be to sin against my conscience and rip myself from the embrace of my Creator. And I won't do it.
I will die to myself this and God willing, every day. I shan't forsake this heavenward calling about which Paul is so intimately passionate. No, in fact, I shall press on toward the goal. And as much as common sense might say otherwise, I believe and yes, I do know, that Christ is much larger, much more omniscient, omnipotent, and sovereign than my own doubts and fears. Praise God, I am not my own.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Like a Green Banana
That's about what I feel like these days. You go to Harris Teeter (because it's just always open, right? and usually pretty clean, and the cool "Check It Out" self-checkout things can be fun if you're not in a hurry, anyway, I'm getting off the topic...) and try to purchase some decent produce. I get into the produce section and what do I find? Green bananas. What am I supposed to do with green bananas? If God had intended for bananas to be crunchy, he would not have created apples. That fresh, bitter, unripened taste just does not do it for me. It's disgusting! Then, next to that shelf are the "discount" bananas. And these are no better! I like a soft banana, but these are a bit much. I pick up the thing and the banana slips out of the peel and splats on the floor. But of course, at least these bananas make for good pudding.
So, all that to say that I feel like a green banana. This day I feel just a bit like I'm still too young. I want to ripen and I want the circumstances around my life to ripen as well. I prayed for patience, and God has seen fit to give me the opportunity to develop it. James tells us in his 1st chapter, "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God,who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. (1:5-6, NASB)" So I have a hard time not doubting. I'm fine to ask, but I've prepared myself not to receive. I'm preparing for God to let me down. It's a shame. I look at things in my life, and I think about how impossible it seems sometimes for the things I pray for to come to fruition. God is calling me to let go of my inhibitions and to lean, to just fall into His grace. And I'm scared, because I might get hurt. And yet, God tells me to put that fear aside. To take on the fact that He is my refuge, a very present help in time of trouble.
I want to be ripe, but I don't want to ripen. I want the results without the process. I can be such a baby at times. And I really just want to eat a good banana now.
So, all that to say that I feel like a green banana. This day I feel just a bit like I'm still too young. I want to ripen and I want the circumstances around my life to ripen as well. I prayed for patience, and God has seen fit to give me the opportunity to develop it. James tells us in his 1st chapter, "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God,who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. (1:5-6, NASB)" So I have a hard time not doubting. I'm fine to ask, but I've prepared myself not to receive. I'm preparing for God to let me down. It's a shame. I look at things in my life, and I think about how impossible it seems sometimes for the things I pray for to come to fruition. God is calling me to let go of my inhibitions and to lean, to just fall into His grace. And I'm scared, because I might get hurt. And yet, God tells me to put that fear aside. To take on the fact that He is my refuge, a very present help in time of trouble.
I want to be ripe, but I don't want to ripen. I want the results without the process. I can be such a baby at times. And I really just want to eat a good banana now.
Monday, February 2, 2009
"Consider the lilies of the field...
They grow where they are put. Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere. Jesus says that if we obey the life God has given us, He will look after all the other things. Has Jesus Christ told us a lie? If we are not experiencing the "much more," it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us, we are taken up with confusing considerations. How much time have we taken up worrying God with questions when we should have been absolutely free to concentrate on His work? Consecration means the continual separating of myself to one particular thing. We cannot consecrate once and for all. Am I continually separating myself to consider God every day of my life?" -- OC
What do you do when you pray for God to give you direction and He responds, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."? How do you respond when you are trying to plan out where you'll be in six months and He says, "Live this day well." What can you say when you're really wondering what it's all about (definitely NOT the hokey pokey), how everything is going to work out, what you'll do for money, and even the basic question of who you are and He declares, "I AM."?
I've been wrestling with the answers to these questions for a couple of weeks now. I am so scared of what's to come. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of having to run back to TN for money because I can't get a job or get into seminary. I'm afraid that my faith will fail--I've seen God work miracles in my life and others', but it's so hard to take each day as it comes. I want to know. I want to know what will come. What's next? Can I settle down for a bit? Should I prepare to move again? Do I need to waste my time making new friends if I'm just going to be gone in a few months anyway?
Now, this is very raw stuff. Of course I wouldn't be "wasting" time by making new friends, however short that friendship may be. Some of the shortest friendships that I've had in life are the most profound. It really doesn't matter how profound or how dull they are anyway--I'm a part of the family of God and taking part of the fellowship of His children is a blessing and a treasure stored up in my heart. The loneliness of being single, or being married, or anything in between, can be destroyed by the love of God and His children.
I guess sometimes I get impatient, and I need reminders that every day is new. I saw someone I knew today outside of the Music Building. As I saw them, I played up a conversation in my head (this is how my mind works, although I don't think that I am THAT odd...anyway...) and I imagined myself responding to the traditional "How are you?" with an honest "Not that well, actually" and then tacking on a "But today is a beautiful day, and I am thankful for the beauty of the earth." Because, yeah, I was rushed a little bit this morning and I am kind of frustrated with school and feel like I'm behind and not comprehending everything in my philosophy class and struggling with all kinds of stumbling blocks that get in the way of my relationships with God and family and friends old and new but--
It is a beautiful day. I thank God for the time that I've been given, the songs in my heart, the music I can create in others, and the joy of a knowledge that this world is not my home. I will consecrate myself this day and live it well. Thanks be to God.
What do you do when you pray for God to give you direction and He responds, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."? How do you respond when you are trying to plan out where you'll be in six months and He says, "Live this day well." What can you say when you're really wondering what it's all about (definitely NOT the hokey pokey), how everything is going to work out, what you'll do for money, and even the basic question of who you are and He declares, "I AM."?
I've been wrestling with the answers to these questions for a couple of weeks now. I am so scared of what's to come. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of having to run back to TN for money because I can't get a job or get into seminary. I'm afraid that my faith will fail--I've seen God work miracles in my life and others', but it's so hard to take each day as it comes. I want to know. I want to know what will come. What's next? Can I settle down for a bit? Should I prepare to move again? Do I need to waste my time making new friends if I'm just going to be gone in a few months anyway?
Now, this is very raw stuff. Of course I wouldn't be "wasting" time by making new friends, however short that friendship may be. Some of the shortest friendships that I've had in life are the most profound. It really doesn't matter how profound or how dull they are anyway--I'm a part of the family of God and taking part of the fellowship of His children is a blessing and a treasure stored up in my heart. The loneliness of being single, or being married, or anything in between, can be destroyed by the love of God and His children.
I guess sometimes I get impatient, and I need reminders that every day is new. I saw someone I knew today outside of the Music Building. As I saw them, I played up a conversation in my head (this is how my mind works, although I don't think that I am THAT odd...anyway...) and I imagined myself responding to the traditional "How are you?" with an honest "Not that well, actually" and then tacking on a "But today is a beautiful day, and I am thankful for the beauty of the earth." Because, yeah, I was rushed a little bit this morning and I am kind of frustrated with school and feel like I'm behind and not comprehending everything in my philosophy class and struggling with all kinds of stumbling blocks that get in the way of my relationships with God and family and friends old and new but--
It is a beautiful day. I thank God for the time that I've been given, the songs in my heart, the music I can create in others, and the joy of a knowledge that this world is not my home. I will consecrate myself this day and live it well. Thanks be to God.
Monday, January 19, 2009
What to do?
I went to work this morning at the school, and the doors were locked. I guess I am off for MLK, Jr. Day. I really need to practice, but hey, I've just found two hours to kill. What to do? Well, obviously, I'm off to Edward McKay's. Sometimes the answers are right in front of us. Here's to brevity!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Another Arrogant Adventure (or How I Enjoy Taking Advantage of my Youthfulness as well as an Initial Update on the Holidays)
I had a very fine Christmas Season. I've never been a fan of the New Year's holiday, but the time off from work was nice. The time with the family was excellent. My parents made a deliberate and successful run at the family togetherness over the holidays. We went bowling one night (I lost to everyone, even my mom); we spent two (2) nights in our basement watching holiday movies. Two (2) nights! That's pretty intense for our little family. We ended up watching "White Christmas" (which is where the song was first introduced) and some Max Lucado film that wasn't quite as good, although perhaps the message was better. I really enjoyed the former, because the acting was quite swell and everyone danced. I guess times were just better back in the day. My family, on Christmas night, almost broke out into a board game, but we decided to save that as a goal for next year. The day that I left I had lunch with my very first friend in this life, Kevin. It was refreshing (and tasty, too! Thanks Panera!), and, as always, enlightening. Perhaps I'll bring this up next time we talk, and perhaps in another blog as well. I'll just leave some tidbits on which one may chew. Labels. We have them and we use them. What does it mean when you believe in Christ but do not wish to be called Christian? In addition, what does it mean when you take the label "liberal" (as in modern politics) without blinking? Well, to some, obviously taking the label "Christian" associates you with many terrible right-winged fundamentalists and would cause people to judge you unfairly while denying a common bond with millions around the world. "Liberal," however, allows people to judge you fairly, seeing you as you truly are, an open-minded, open-hearted carer of the poor, middle-class, and children (post-birth, of course); it links with you with millions of people across, well, just the United States really. Does this make sense?
So, Tim, Cass, and I went for a hike yesterday. I know, many are thinking, "Another hike with Tim the Trailblazer? What were you thinking?!?!" Yes, my friends, but this path was clearly marked, or so we originally thought, and Scooter would be leading this expedition. We hiked the Bald Eagle Trail, named for the sightings of the Great American Bald Eagle that nest around the lake. We didn't see any of those, but we did see a Great Blue Heron. It was pretty cool. The scenery around Lake Higgins (Bald Eagle is a watershed trail) was quite breathtaking and even magical at times. I imagine that in the autumn this trail would be a bountiful feast of colors. So, we get to the beginning of the trail, and it's looking pretty nice, you know, It's a three mile trail that has a little loop at the end and then we double back. Six miles, we got that, right?
WRONG. The trail was pretty nice, but then came the splits. The trail went two ways. "Which way do we go now?" said a terrifically timid Timothy. Cassandra, with her trusted sidekick Scooter by her side, declared, "Follow the white diamonds!" I thought to myself what an odd statement that was, until we saw them. Little trail markers that were diamond-shaped white pieces of plastic nailed onto the trees. It seemed, at the time, if you wanted to live, it's best to follow the man-made plastic. We trudged on and on for what ended up being hours. At one point, we passed an Asian girl jogging along the trail. At the time, Tim and I said our hellos and thought nothing of it. Cassandra, however, noted a strange smell in the air. It was....fresh. It was odd, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Moments later, a young Asian male passed. Tim was very tempted but very wise NOT to say, "She went that way!" Tim, an Orientalist at heart, somehow managed to control his wild thoughts. However, Cassandra, smelling again a fresh scent, stopped immediately. After some heated dialogue, Cassandra determined not only was it odd that two Asians had passed us, but they both smelled the same. It became apparent at this point that they probably had showered moments before going on a jog on a muddy biking trail. We pondered this for a few minutes.
At this point we reached a road, only to discover that we missed the loop, or that there was no loop; either way, the sun was setting and we were still about 4-5 miles from the car. I valiantly suggested we start back through the trail. Cassandra and Tim, the cowardly couple, decided to stick to the road and take the long way back. Outnumbered (as usual) I counted my blessings and started up the long valley road (which, ironically enough, was named "Long Valley Road."). We took note of the new housing developments, saw some Italian greyhounds (I believe), and had jolly conversation all the way. We made it to the real road at some point and started down the highway walking through other's yards. By this time it really was getting dark, and Tim knew his doom had come. Now, I cannot really speak much to this, as I had eye surgery a few summers back, so I also have trouble seeing at night. Nonetheless, mailboxes and ominous ditches of disaster lurked 'round every bend. Sooner or later, we knew it was bound to happen. Tim was following closely behind, and as Cassandra and I coolly made our way around a mailbox, we heard a loud, ringing "thunk!" I hung my head in shame. I needed not to turn around to see the mayhem that lay at my feet. Tim, glasses askew, lay in a shivering heap upon the grassy knoll.
We continued on our way, Cassandra holding Tim tightly as Scooter continued to lead the way. When we had finally reached our last turn, onto Hamburg Mill Road (as if I wasn't already hungry enough, suddenly I had a craving for Cookout). It was at this point that I looked up. By this time the sun had been long gone, and we were all alone in tiny Summerfield. I should clarify here: Greensboro is a nice town and all, but there is so much light pollution. It is very hard to see any stars at night; sometimes the sky is even pink due to all the light. It's very frustrating for one who enjoys such night visions. Summerfield, however, is not nearly as polluted. So, I looked up. The moonlight was so bright and beautiful, outshining all but a few stars. It was at this point that I reflected upon my life. I was thankful for the trip and the mishaps we had had. The long road home ended up being a blessing in itself. My friends, the stars, my health, that silly, silly dog--I was thankful of them all. We did make it safely back to the car, where Tim and I took separate turns "marking our territory" in the woods (I mean, come on! We hadn't used the restroom in like, 6 hours!). The drive home was peaceful, and believe it or not, we went hiking again the next day (although I'm sure Tim would like to tell that story and grant himself a bit of grace [he fell down a lot on that trail]).
Appreciate the life you have.
So, Tim, Cass, and I went for a hike yesterday. I know, many are thinking, "Another hike with Tim the Trailblazer? What were you thinking?!?!" Yes, my friends, but this path was clearly marked, or so we originally thought, and Scooter would be leading this expedition. We hiked the Bald Eagle Trail, named for the sightings of the Great American Bald Eagle that nest around the lake. We didn't see any of those, but we did see a Great Blue Heron. It was pretty cool. The scenery around Lake Higgins (Bald Eagle is a watershed trail) was quite breathtaking and even magical at times. I imagine that in the autumn this trail would be a bountiful feast of colors. So, we get to the beginning of the trail, and it's looking pretty nice, you know, It's a three mile trail that has a little loop at the end and then we double back. Six miles, we got that, right?
WRONG. The trail was pretty nice, but then came the splits. The trail went two ways. "Which way do we go now?" said a terrifically timid Timothy. Cassandra, with her trusted sidekick Scooter by her side, declared, "Follow the white diamonds!" I thought to myself what an odd statement that was, until we saw them. Little trail markers that were diamond-shaped white pieces of plastic nailed onto the trees. It seemed, at the time, if you wanted to live, it's best to follow the man-made plastic. We trudged on and on for what ended up being hours. At one point, we passed an Asian girl jogging along the trail. At the time, Tim and I said our hellos and thought nothing of it. Cassandra, however, noted a strange smell in the air. It was....fresh. It was odd, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Moments later, a young Asian male passed. Tim was very tempted but very wise NOT to say, "She went that way!" Tim, an Orientalist at heart, somehow managed to control his wild thoughts. However, Cassandra, smelling again a fresh scent, stopped immediately. After some heated dialogue, Cassandra determined not only was it odd that two Asians had passed us, but they both smelled the same. It became apparent at this point that they probably had showered moments before going on a jog on a muddy biking trail. We pondered this for a few minutes.
At this point we reached a road, only to discover that we missed the loop, or that there was no loop; either way, the sun was setting and we were still about 4-5 miles from the car. I valiantly suggested we start back through the trail. Cassandra and Tim, the cowardly couple, decided to stick to the road and take the long way back. Outnumbered (as usual) I counted my blessings and started up the long valley road (which, ironically enough, was named "Long Valley Road."). We took note of the new housing developments, saw some Italian greyhounds (I believe), and had jolly conversation all the way. We made it to the real road at some point and started down the highway walking through other's yards. By this time it really was getting dark, and Tim knew his doom had come. Now, I cannot really speak much to this, as I had eye surgery a few summers back, so I also have trouble seeing at night. Nonetheless, mailboxes and ominous ditches of disaster lurked 'round every bend. Sooner or later, we knew it was bound to happen. Tim was following closely behind, and as Cassandra and I coolly made our way around a mailbox, we heard a loud, ringing "thunk!" I hung my head in shame. I needed not to turn around to see the mayhem that lay at my feet. Tim, glasses askew, lay in a shivering heap upon the grassy knoll.
We continued on our way, Cassandra holding Tim tightly as Scooter continued to lead the way. When we had finally reached our last turn, onto Hamburg Mill Road (as if I wasn't already hungry enough, suddenly I had a craving for Cookout). It was at this point that I looked up. By this time the sun had been long gone, and we were all alone in tiny Summerfield. I should clarify here: Greensboro is a nice town and all, but there is so much light pollution. It is very hard to see any stars at night; sometimes the sky is even pink due to all the light. It's very frustrating for one who enjoys such night visions. Summerfield, however, is not nearly as polluted. So, I looked up. The moonlight was so bright and beautiful, outshining all but a few stars. It was at this point that I reflected upon my life. I was thankful for the trip and the mishaps we had had. The long road home ended up being a blessing in itself. My friends, the stars, my health, that silly, silly dog--I was thankful of them all. We did make it safely back to the car, where Tim and I took separate turns "marking our territory" in the woods (I mean, come on! We hadn't used the restroom in like, 6 hours!). The drive home was peaceful, and believe it or not, we went hiking again the next day (although I'm sure Tim would like to tell that story and grant himself a bit of grace [he fell down a lot on that trail]).
Appreciate the life you have.
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