Fighting through Fear and Philosophy

Well, unless God wills otherwise, it doesn't look like I'm headed to seminary for the Fall. I was pretty excited after visiting--what a loving and uplifting environment. I'm sure some would disagree, but it was nice to be able to (at least partially) let my guard down and be very open with people about how God was working in my life through academia and through music. UNCG frowns upon that kind of sharing. And, who knows? I'm still going to finish my application and send it in (I'm just waiting on a pastor's reference) and may pursue seminary in the Spring or even next year. So, if not seminary, then what, Lord? That's what I've been asking as of late. I know that I need to start saving up some money and it would be nice to have a real job, even if it has no benefits. Right now is really not a good time to be looking for a job, and I would really not prefer to work at Macaroni Grill for the next however long. I could make money, which would be nice, but I wouldn't really be using my God-given talents in music. Singing "Happy Birthday" in Italian is not really making a wise investment of such talents.

My philosophy class here at UNCG has also got me thinking. I've been told that I need to seek what the value of music is outside of the context of worship. There are some works that are very explicitly secular, and so what is their value as music? Obviously it's not worship, at least not for everyone. The only problem that I have is that you can't get outside of God. Music can be outside of worship, I'll definitely buy that, but the only place you can escape God is Hell. Psalm 139 certainly attests to that. I've also started reading Colossians (which is another book of which I've forgotten the incredible writing!). Paul says, "For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (1:16-17) I'm working through this idea of the value of music and how really everything that we as humans try to create or imitate is just a distortion of one of the attributes of God. So, even something as secular as, say, Orff's "Carmina Burana" is just a distortion of God's mysteries of love and abundance. So, I'm just not sure how to get at that in my paper. We will see in the coming weeks.

I would appreciate prayer as I begin searching for a job that would be in music. The school systems are not all that great at this point, and music teachers are perhaps not the most sought-after educators anyway. I should have gone into math. Math teachers are always needed. Oh, sarcasm, how you plague my personality. A happy weekend is upon us. Comp study and weddings represent the stresses and joys with which life is filled. Please grant me patience.

Patience and Slavery (or How I'd Forgotten the Amazingness of Romans 8!)

I cannot fathom the grace of God. I am quite quick to immediately slap labels on God as to how and in what capacities He can work. I am almost scared after opening my Bible this morning--the Scripture was just teeming with a life and vitality that was jumping off the page. By the way, I got up at 5:45 this morning. It was painful, I admit, but oh so very much worth it :-). Back to the Bible, though. Paul is so great to remind us of the power of Christ. Lately I've been struggling with various sins, as we all tend to do, and lately I've been felt worn down by sin. Usually I feel worn down by school, relationships, various responsibilities, etc., but not always so much by actual legitimate temptation. Now I just feel like someone is taking a metal spoon and just scraping away at my resolve and my convictions. Paul just reminded me, "¹⁰If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you." (NASB)

And it's okay to suffer. It allows me to identify with Christ in His suffering. Paul tells us we are "children of God." Because we suffer with Him, we are also glorified with Him. The whole part about creation groaning and suffering birth pangs is visible in our world today and we are witnesses to the world in decay as it cries for justice. But again, we are reminded that even with death and suffering and the many, many horrors that occur even in our sheltered lives as we watch the people we know and/or love fall and be torn apart seeking after anything but God, He "causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." What a powerful reminder.

My brother is coming to visit me tomorrow, and I am so grateful and so very excited to see him again. My comps were indefinitely postponed, so I even get to spend a good several days with Kameron hanging out and doing various other things (hopefully things that don't cost money). Yes, it will be a fun weekend. So, I have a paper due and a presentation on the 'morrow, and thus, I am off with one more thought:

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

A Change in Plans

So, I might not be able to graduate on time. I almost had quite the panic attack on Friday morning, and it's the closest I've come in awhile to actually calling someone up for support. Yeah, I just tend not to do that kind of thing. So, I tried to spend this entire spring break studying for said comps (comprehensive exams, btw), and I found no desire whatsoever. I made an effort, but the effort failed. I burned out. I didn't think it would happen to me, to tell you the truth. I am tired of school. I am tired of having to draw up these (forgive me!) stupid conductor's analyses for these pieces where it makes perfect sense in my mind just to look at the score. Don't get me wrong, I think it is very important to sit down with a piece of music and make sure you know what's going on and have an authority and command that you can express to the other musicians. I'm just tired of school.

I want to have a job where I am teaching or performing music with kids or adults or something where I don't have to know off the top of my head why Handel decided to set his fugal pattern one measure off between the voice parts. I just want to watch and listen to the rain today, but I'll be working on a presentation for my philosophy class about Theodor Adorno. I refuse to talk anymore about this man. I'm just so tired of school.

So yeah, I meet with my professors on Monday and I am thinking that I will take my comps over the summer sometime and graduate in August. This way, I won't have to walk. I would like to do it for my parents, but do you realize how much graduation robes cost? It's ridiculous! Perhaps God has ordained this delay for a reason, too. I don't know, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. I've asked for patience, and God is just throwing me opportunities right and left.

In other news, my brother is coming up next week to visit me for his spring break. I'm so happy to be able to spend time with him here, although I'm nervous about his driving over the mountains to get to Greensboro. Pray for safe travel. I'm reading through Romans now, and it's heavy stuff. When I have more time for blogging, I'll speak some of my mind on Scripture. Off to work.

Psalm 66 (NIV)

¹ Shout with joy to God, all the earth!

² Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious!

³ Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you.

⁴ All the earth bows down to you;
they sing praise to you,
they sing praise to your name."
Selah

⁵ Come and see what God has done,
how awesome his works in man's behalf!

⁶ He turned the sea into dry land,
they passed through the waters on foot—
come, let us rejoice in him.

⁷ He rules forever by his power,
his eyes watch the nations—
let not the rebellious rise up against him.
Selah

⁸ Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;

⁹ he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.

¹⁰ For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

¹¹ You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

¹² You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

¹³ I will come to your temple with burnt offerings
and fulfill my vows to you-

¹⁴ vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke
when I was in trouble.

¹⁵ I will sacrifice fat animals to you
and an offering of rams;
I will offer bulls and goats.
Selah

¹⁶ Come and listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.

¹⁷ I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.

¹⁸ If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;

¹⁹ but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.

²⁰ Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

When Common Sense Might Say Otherwise

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:7-14, NIV)

Common sense is something for which I have had to work very thoroughly to obtain. I was not born with it, nor was I able to grasp it at a young age. My friends and elders used to tell me when I was growing up that one is made up of a balance of being smart and having common sense. You'll meet some fantastic people who are not incredibly book smart but have an incredible amount of common sense that allow them to function quite normally in society. On the other hand, you have those people that are almost geniuses: they invent wonders no eye has beheld, create theories, write vastly unintelligble books, study music, etc., but these folk have trouble getting dressed in the morning. Luckily (actually, more by God's grace), I am able to dress myself every day. I am certainly no genius, but I tend to be able to retain information with little studying time and am usually a quick learner (provided they be complex tasks, not something like contra dancing, which seems to me to fall to the common sensical just move your body to the music and don't think about it...alas!...). I plan to bring this point around, I promise.

However, over the past several years at college I have worked to make up for this lack of common sense. I feel that I've done a decent job--I have lost some of my book smarts, so this leads me to the conclusion that I have more common sense now. Makes sense, right? Recently, I've been dealing with God in an interesting circumstance (I say recently, but I guess I mean for the past several years or so). God has been speaking in my life (which is quite awesome, I must say) and I've just now began to really listen. I am amazed at the miracles that I behold every day that God allows me life. I took my 4-year old neighbor to preschool this morning, and it amazes me, the raw humanity that he can express. Watching him run through the entire gamut of human emotion in 10 minutes reminds me of my more refined, sophisticated way of dealing with God. In the course of the past couple of weeks or so I've gone from super high to near rock bottom and God is still there, watching and providing and probably wondering why I don't just give it all over to Him. I've worked to obtain common sense, which tells me to worry and be concerned. It tells me the limits of my humanity and fights for self-preservation. And now God is calling me to let go, and if necessary, fight this common sense which leads me away from Him. Because to follow common sense and my human instincts, in this instance, would be to sin against my conscience and rip myself from the embrace of my Creator. And I won't do it.

I will die to myself this and God willing, every day. I shan't forsake this heavenward calling about which Paul is so intimately passionate. No, in fact, I shall press on toward the goal. And as much as common sense might say otherwise, I believe and yes, I do know, that Christ is much larger, much more omniscient, omnipotent, and sovereign than my own doubts and fears. Praise God, I am not my own.

Like a Green Banana

That's about what I feel like these days. You go to Harris Teeter (because it's just always open, right? and usually pretty clean, and the cool "Check It Out" self-checkout things can be fun if you're not in a hurry, anyway, I'm getting off the topic...) and try to purchase some decent produce. I get into the produce section and what do I find? Green bananas. What am I supposed to do with green bananas? If God had intended for bananas to be crunchy, he would not have created apples. That fresh, bitter, unripened taste just does not do it for me. It's disgusting! Then, next to that shelf are the "discount" bananas. And these are no better! I like a soft banana, but these are a bit much. I pick up the thing and the banana slips out of the peel and splats on the floor. But of course, at least these bananas make for good pudding.

So, all that to say that I feel like a green banana. This day I feel just a bit like I'm still too young. I want to ripen and I want the circumstances around my life to ripen as well. I prayed for patience, and God has seen fit to give me the opportunity to develop it. James tells us in his 1st chapter, "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God,who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. (1:5-6, NASB)" So I have a hard time not doubting. I'm fine to ask, but I've prepared myself not to receive. I'm preparing for God to let me down. It's a shame. I look at things in my life, and I think about how impossible it seems sometimes for the things I pray for to come to fruition. God is calling me to let go of my inhibitions and to lean, to just fall into His grace. And I'm scared, because I might get hurt. And yet, God tells me to put that fear aside. To take on the fact that He is my refuge, a very present help in time of trouble.

I want to be ripe, but I don't want to ripen. I want the results without the process. I can be such a baby at times. And I really just want to eat a good banana now.